Another Year Ending

Today is the last year of 2011. What can I say? This year had been like a roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs. I could say that I had tests at life and I feel like I had passed some and failed others. I had two difficult anniversaries of terrible events of my life that both happened exactly 5 years ago. I had overcome those days with strength and faith that I had survived and moved on. March 5, 2006 was when I was sexually assaulted and December 3, 2006 was when I learned the bad news that a friend of mine was killed in Iraq after having just talked to him 2 days before. Those events changed my life forever but they made me stronger, even 5 years later. Good things that came out on those anniversaries is that on March 5 of this year, I just lived my life without being afraid or sad. And on December 3 recently, it was the same day I found out I was pregnant and it made me think of my friend and how happy he would've been for me. Then I got injured at work in October resulting in my knee to get dislocated. I had to have surgery to fix my knee and it was a real difficult time, still is but I know that I'll be ok and that there will eventually be a light at the end of the tunnel. It might take me a few more months to recover in the new year. So those were my downs of this year and I'll move on to the ups that I had. I got to see my childhood boy band, New Kids on the Block and favorite baseball team, Texas Rangers play in one weekend. It was awesome! I got very close to Jordan, my NKTOB crush, when he walked by us while singing and I nearly melted! I sat behind the foul line in the outfield at the Rangers game and got a close up look of David Murphy and Josh Hamilton!!! I also wanted to see Ian Kinsler, one of my fave players but it was too far to see. Oh well, I can make plans to go to another Rangers game in 2012! Maybe I'll have a better chance of seeing Kinsler. I graduated with my associate degree this month and I'm proud of my accomplishments. Then I had the biggest surprise of this year: being pregnant. I had never thought about having kids but hey, it's a big up for me to end 2011 and start 2012 with. I decided not to do new years resolutions this year because I'm mainly focused on two things: get my knee better and get through my pregnancy without any complications. The most important thing I hope to have in 2012 is a healthy baby, that's all. For all of you guys, have a happy new year and may you be blessed with a good year ahead of you. :)

A Surprise

Life is full of surprises that you don't expect. I sure got the biggest surprise of my life: I'm pregnant. I had no suspicions that I was til the week after my knee surgery. Sure, the signs were there but I just didn't have a clue. I started throwing up every day I was taking pain medications. I thought my stomach was just reacting to the pills. Then I continued to take the pills and still throw up. I was so sick for two weeks straight and my fiancée, John, had a feeling that I might be pregnant and asked if he could go buy me a pregnancy test. At first, I was in doubt of being pregnant and shrugged it off as just the pills making me sick until I took my last pain pill and within a minute, I threw up and told John that he could go get the test. So he went and got one. I waited for a while and then decided to try. The first test I took, I'll never forget how I freaked out when I saw the second line appear quickly and asked John to come in. He came in and saw that it was positive. He looked scared too and I told him that I'll try another one in the morning to make sure it wasn't a false positive. So I went to bed and woke up the next morning, got up to take another test. Surely, I saw the two lines pop up again. Yelled for John to come in and he came in to see the results. When he saw it was another positive, he smiled and hugged me. He was very excited and I just sat there in disbelief and couldn't talk. Then I said, I'm going to test again. He laughed and said, "why? You're pregnant! I knew it." I told him that I was in denial and wanted to see if I could get a negative. Then the third time, it was positive and John wanted to tell everyone but I told him not to til I got the confirmation from my doctor. He was itching to say something but did what I asked him. I went to the doctor and it was confirmed. Fear filled up in my mind that I wasn't going to be a good mom or be able to walk good on my knee that I had just had surgery on. One thing that still puzzles me to this day is that my baby survived the knee surgery and stress from it. John says that God must have protected it. Now I'm currently 9 weeks along and starting to warm up to the idea of having a baby but reality still hasn't set in yet. I guess it's because I haven't seen my baby on a sonogram yet and once I see it, I know I will change. Pregnancy life has changed me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I suffer from morning sickness and mood swings. I mean, I'm sick almost every day and it's no fun. But I'm starting to learn how to handle it by eating small meals to keep myself from getting sick on an empty stomach. As for mood swings, I cry at commercials or anything that involves babies which is strange because I never did that before I was pregnant. I get upset or depressed sometimes depending on what I experience. I used to be a night owl but lately, I have been falling asleep at 8-9 pm every night. Sometimes I'll be awake at night thinking too much or I have to pee a lot, lol. I sleep up to 12 hours a night and nap for a couple of hours during the day. It's crazy how I'm going through those physical changes that it makes me sick and exhausted but I know that it will be worth it in the end when I have my baby. You know, I gave my baby a nickname, little monster, because it makes me sick every day and my stomach growls all the time! Well, I plan to continue posting updates as I go through my pregnancy and hopefully, I will be able to post pictures of my sonograms and etc when I can. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens and I pray that God will help me through this big change of my life. By the way, Little Monster says hi! :)

The 1960s Era

Here I am again, on a boring Sunday still stuck at home due to an injury so I decided to watch some tv shows on Hulu.com and I came up on this new tv show on ABC called Pan Am. It just came out last month and I caught up on the episodes that have already aired. So far, I like it a lot because of its setting in 1960s during the era of jets when they first were introduced to the world. I've always been fascinated with that time period and its styles such as clothing and graphic design.

Women looked very pretty and took good care of their looks back then and men managed to look handsome and had more respect for women then they do today. My mom was born in 1964 and I've always wondered what it would be like to live in that time period without technology that we have today and how I would have dressed differently. I don't like much of the fashion we have today like mini skirts and shirts that reveal too much skin. I do realize that mini skirts were introduced in the 60s but today, they are way too short where you can see women's underwear, ugh. What happened to respecting your own body and covering up the parts that aren't meant to be shown? As for hairstyles, I find it impossible to make my hair into a beehive or big hairdo with flips because my hair is so fine and requires a lot of hairspray to get volume, lol. I have no idea how those women back then could do it and still look good all day long! My grandma told me that my great-grandmother used to put cans in her hair to make curls and wrapped her hair in toilet paper to keep it from messing up while she was asleep in bed. She also would put so much hairspray in it and it would stay up for a long time. That sounds like a lot of work but that's how women had to do it to keep themselves looking nice. Here's a picture of my great-nanny and her bouffant hairstyle.

Pop art is one of my favorite art to study and most of my artwork are inspired by it. It was big in the 1960s and my two favorite pop artists from that era are Roy Lichtenstein and Andy Warhol. You probably recognize their famous pieces such as Lichtenstein's comic book style art and Warhol's Marilyn Monroe portrait in full bright colors. They were so original and creative. They did it without computers and I often scratch my head, wondering how the heck they could do it.

Lichtenstein's Girl with Hair Ribbon c.1965

Andy Warhol's Marilyn Monroe Prints c.1962

Now you can see why I like that time period and its styles. It was very unique in its way and people expressed themselves through fashion and art. Too bad it's not like that now because people take art and fashion for granted. They don't pay attention to the beauty of fashion and art which I do. I stop, look, and keep notes on what I see and use it to inspire my work. It's just how I am and I thank history for teaching and inspiring me.

My New Life as a Paranormal Investigator

I'm bored at home while spending the day sick so I thought I could grab a laptop and write a new blog. I thought about sharing with y'all about my experiences joining a new group called Texas Intuitive Paranormal Research. It's a paranormal group based here in Amarillo and it specializes in investigating the unknown such as ghosts, cryptozoology, and UFOs. Right now, there is 8 people in this group including me and my dear friend, Ricky Harris, who are the only deaf investigators. We decided to join a paranormal group because we had always desired to investigate the paranormal and see what is out there. I had paranormal experiences growing up and still to this day, people still think I am crazy when I talk about it. Joining TIPR has been the best thing ever to happen to me so far because I feel like I belong and there are other members who don't think I am crazy, lol.

I remember seeing a man in my room at an early age and thought it was a dream or something. I would wake up and see something moving in the dark or feel someone touching me. I never really understood what it was until one night when I was about 14-15 years old, I woke up to see this black solid man standing next to me and he leaned over to me. I stared at him for like 10 seconds and started to scream but nothing came out of my mouth. I was so terrified that it paralyzed me for a moment before I ducked my head under my "security" covers. I was so scared and it took me about 15 minutes before I took a peek and he was gone. I was shocked and couldn't believe what I had just saw. Then I started to see the same black shaped man in my room standing next to my sister ,who shared the same bedroom with me at that time, or he would stand in the doorway next to my bed. I believed that the house was haunted because I would see him and get touched by him. I also think he wanted to hurt me because one afternoon when I was doing my homework, I felt this stabbing/poking in my side that was painful that I thought my sister was poking me with her finger but I turned around to see no one behind me. After moving to a new house, I continued to have experiences that I didn't know why they were happening to me. I wonder if I was sensitive to seeing spirits when others couldn't? I don't know. Four years ago when I worked at Texas Lions Camp in Kerrville, TX for the summer, I had experiences in my cabin that was supposedly haunted and I didn't know it at that time. My alarm clock would go off by itself at 3 or 4 in the morning and I always felt like someone was watching me at night. One night, my co-worker and I were chatting and hanging out in our cabin while the whole camp was empty on a Saturday night, when I saw something move in the corner of my eyes, it looked like a shadow person walking towards to a room in the hall across from us and I turned to look at it then my co-worker said she saw it too. We thought someone had just got here so I went into the hall expecting to see somebody there but when I went into the room, there was nobody there. So if you asked me or my co-worker, we would say it was a ghost that we both saw at the same time. I was told a few months later by a friend ,who worked at the camp before I did, that my cabin and a couple others were haunted. I'm still amazed about this.

I still have experiences every now and then. I really enjoy investigating and can't wait to see what I find out there. I do believe that spirits try to communicate with me visually and emotionally because they know I can't hear them. I often joke that it would be neat if they knew how to sign so they could communicate with me. For those who think my life as a paranormal investigator is scary, it's not. Sure I get creepy feelings but not enough to scare the living crap out of me. It's funny because I'm terrified of spiders, heights, and close spaces and yet, ghosts don't scare me. I know they can't hurt me but yes, I am concerned about running into demons and poltergeists on investigations. That's why I trust God to protect me from those things. On investigations, we pray before and after. Also if you are wondering how I can communicate with ghosts when I can't hear, well I've found that if I use a flashlight and a notepad, it's helpful. I use one of those flashlights that have no buttons but it's turned on and off by unscrewing the top a little if you know what I'm talking about. If I want to ask questions, I tell the ghost to turn it on for yes and off for no. I write down questions on a notepad and see which questions are answered with yes or no. I don't know if a ghost can read my writing, mind, or signs. All I know that they can communicate with us through anything electrical things like flashlights because they use those energies to manifest themselves or able to talk to us. It's pretty neat and makes me want to know more about them and why they are still stuck here on Earth.


If you ever have something going on in your home that you feel unsure whether it is safe or not, please contact TIPR and we will come and check it out for you to make sure you feel safe in your own home. TIPR's website is currently being worked on so you can go to their Facebook page and check it out.

Happy Halloween and be safe!!! :)

Here is a homage to one of my fave movies when I was little.

10 Years Later

It's a couple of hours after midnight and I can't sleep. It's because I realize that it's September 11th, 10 years after what was the worst attack on America in history and I witnessed it on a tv screen like everyone else did. It's funny how one day out of your entire life can be etched into your memory for the rest of your life and I can't even remember many other days in my life except for a few and that day was one of them. It still seems as if it was yesterday....every detail of what I saw and how I felt. I know that I wasn't there physically in New York City or DC to see the attacks but to see it on tv was horrific and I didn't understand why it happened.

I was 16 years old and had just started my junior year about 3 weeks before. I remember getting to school early on that Tuesday morning and it seemed like a normal day like any other day. Did my normal things, hanging out with my friends in the hallway before class started and walking to the building where my first period class was in. It was Physics and my teacher was Mrs. Steinkirchner who I called Mrs. S for short. I remember walking into the class room and sitting down as Mrs. S turned on the tv. I wondered why she was doing that and I saw the gritty image of two buildings on fire. The tv was old and didn't have good picture but it still was obvious what was being shown. My interpreter, Ann, was confused as well and asked what was going on. That's when Mrs. S told us that the World Trade Center in NYC had been hit by a plane. I was like Huh? What? and thinking Why are we watching this? I had never heard of WTC in my entire life til I saw those burning towers on the tv screen. At first, I thought it was just one plane that sort of flew through both buildings and that it might have been a pure accident. I didn't realize that a second plane had hit too. So we watched for a little while til they announced that another plane had just hit the Pentagon and I remember the shock and fear when I realized that it wasn't an accident and that we were under attack. Fear started building up inside me and I was afraid that there were more planes headed for other buildings or something. Ann and I got very afraid that there would be a plane heading for Pantex, a nuclear facility about 20 miles away from Amarillo, to bomb it and we would be doomed. We decided that we wanted to go to another room to watch tv because it had better audio and picture. We were sitting and staring at the screen when I saw the south tower collapse as if it was going down in slow motion on live tv. My jaw dropped and it took me a moment before I turned to Ann and said, "There had to be a lot of people in that building!" I hoped that they were ok but I knew that they didn't make it. I almost cried but didn't know what to think or say. All I could think of was my family and hoped that they were ok and I wanted to go home badly. Parents were coming to school to pick their kids up. My mom was at another school where she worked as an interpreter and couldn't get off to come get me and my sister. I ended up being stuck at school all day long and it seemed endless for me.  I remember when I was in my history class which was before lunchtime, they reported that another plane had crashed in Pennsylvania. I felt sick to my stomach and hoped that there were no more planes in the air and that not any more people were dying. By the time I was in my English class, they said that all planes were grounded down and I was relieved knowing that none of those planes were in the air. Then the principal announced on the PA that there would be no practices or any after school activities and for us to just go home. By the end of the day, I walked outside to the parking lot where my mom was parked while waiting for me. I got in the car and she grabbed my hand and said, "I am glad that you are with me. I was worried about you and your sister all day long. Wanted to just leave work and get you girls home but I couldn't get off." Looked like she was about to cry. I was actually happy to be with her after a long and scary day. We drove to Canyon where I lived at that time and I recall that when we came into town, we saw long lines at every gas station and I asked my mom why there were long lines. She said that people were probably scared that something would happen and that they needed more gas in case gas would be shut off. She dropped me off at home and told me that she was going to get gas. It took her about 45 minutes to a hour to just get gas. That's how scared everyone was. I watched the news and was horrified to see what really happened. I was shocked and didn't understand why people would do such things as using innocent passengers as human bombs to kill many others. I watched the news for hours and when I needed a break, I changed the channels and I swear that almost every channel was off the air with messages saying that they had to shut down and let their staff go home to their families. I remember that the only channels still on were the cartoon/kids ones which made sense to me. It was to keep kids occupied and unaware of what was going on. My stepdad, who was dating my mom at that time, called to check on us and told my mom that he listened to the radio while truck driving all day long without seeing what had really happened. Didn't see anything til he got home and turned the tv on. He was shocked too. I couldn't sleep well that night and the next day, it was like a blur to me. I was confused and in denial that such tragedy had occurred. I didn't really cry til a few days later when it came across my mind that so many people had died and that I would never understand why they had to die horrible deaths.

Over the past 10 years, I had moved on but never forgot what I witnessed on that tv screen. Even though I live over 1,000 miles away from NYC, it still affects me because it was not only an attack on New Yorkers and DC residents, it was also an attack on my own country which I love very much and am very proud to having been born and grew up in. This 10th anniversary is different for me from any other anniversaries where I would pause for one day to remember and move on with my life like everyone else. I'll be going to NYC in two months to spend a week there and I plan on going to Ground Zero to pay my respects. Honestly, I don't know how I'll feel or what I'll think but I know it would be a different emotion/feeling from what I've been feeling all those years. At the same time, I'm looking forwards to seeing the new WTC tower that is currently being built. I've been following up on the progress while it's being built and so far, over 80 floors have been built making it the now tallest building in Manhattan. That'd be a great sight to see and to me, it's like showing those terrorists that we are still strong and standing up against them by not letting them defeat us. If you want to see the progress on the tower, there are two links that you can go to: http://www.lowermanhattan.info/construction/project_updates/freedom_tower_26204.aspx#summary and
http://www.panynj.gov/wtcprogress/index.html

As you can see, this is my story of what I experienced that day. We all have different stories from our perspectives but we will never forget. My heart still goes out to the innocent victims and survivors along with their families and also the true heroes who risked or lost their lives to just save others. I ask you to pause and remember 9/11 and continue to pray for those who are still affected by the attacks a decade later. May God bless America.

Screw you, Congress.

You all probably know what is going on in Washington DC where our congress is fighting over a solution to our country's debt situation and how social security benefits is on the chopping block. Republicans want to cut the benefits and Democrats refuse to because they know that there are millions of people who are struggling financially and can't even afford to pay for our own health insurance.Some of you might think I am lazy but I'm not. I receive disability benefits because I am still in school and my job doesn't pay very much, just enough to pay my bills and buy food. The benefits are being threatened to be halted on August 3rd if they don't come up with a deal by then. When I heard about all of this from a friend, the first thing on my mind was, "how the hell am I going to pay for my bills at my new house if my benefits are going to be halted?" It scares me because I was set on keeping my benefits til I finished school and got a good paying job and it looks like now I'm getting screwed over by the congress. I even considered on quitting school to just get another job to help pay for whatever needs to be paid for but John talked me out of it. He said it was very important to me that I stay in school and that he would help me even if it meant him getting a 2nd job. You know what is funny? I used to have faith in this country and that it would get thru a recession like it did with the great depression but that faith is starting to fade away. All I have left is my hope and faith in God and that He'll be there for me whenever something like this happens. Screw you Congress. I don't need you to ruin my life by telling me that you are taking my benefits. Go ahead, take it away. I hate you, Republicans, more than Democrats because all you care about is your money and refuse to have millionaires taxed while most of us people in general have to pay high taxes. Millionaires being taxed would help us out big time and by the way, stop spending money on damn oil and wars. Democrats, don't think that I'm going easy on you....you also have made mistakes of spending billions and billions of our money on stuff we don't even need and guess what? Both of your parties have bought us into this debt and it's your responsibility to get us out of this. Don't tell us how to spend our own money and stop playing the blaming game! Y'all are pointing fingers at each other....and you know that your other 4 fingers are pointing back to you! We elected you guys to do your jobs for us and guess what? You'll be voted out next year! Screw you Congress. I have God on my side and I ain't worried about it.




MySpace-Countdowns

Forgiving Can Be Hard Sometimes

As you know, I'm a sexual assault survivor and still check on my offender's status while he's serving time in prison every now and then. He was sent to prison for 12 years. Well, I was checking it tonight when I saw the parole date and my stomach dropped to the ground. He's supposed to be up for parole next year in August. I have mixed feelings and don't know what I would do if he does get out early. I forgave him but haven't forgotten what he has done to me and how it changed me forever. Because of him, I'm still afraid to go out at night alone and always make sure that my door is locked and my windows are still covered up so no one can peek into my home. I also learned to be a stronger person and defend myself if someone were to attack me. It's been 5 years since it happened and I'm better than I was back then but still feel some anger or sadness once in a while. Guess it's part of life and the process after a traumatic situation. A couple of weeks ago, I was at a baseball game when I saw someone who was a part of the sexual assault meaning that he was asleep in bed next to me when it happened. He was my offender's cousin and did some things that made me very angry at him for a long time. He lied to the cops and told them that it never happened when I know it did. He acted like I was a crazy loon and avoided me. When I saw him at the game for the first time in 5 years, I saw red. I mean, red, like I wanted to go after him and beat him up. He was with his wife and it made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to go up to her and tell her what kind of person her husband was and not the person who she thinks he is. He didn't see me at first and walked right by me. I sat there staring at him and wanted to do something to hurt him. I don't know why but I did. Then you know what I did? I prayed silently to God and asked him to give me the strength and patience to get through the game without killing him and He did help me. I started to feel calm after a while but still concerned about him sitting a few rows behind me. I think he saw me and left before I could see him. It's pretty sad that he's a coward and still won't face me 5 years later. It's kinda funny that I forgave my own rapist but haven't forgiven his cousin yet. It's hard for me to forgive him right now. He was a firefighter and I trusted him to protect me but he didn't do that. I hated Amarillo firefighters for a long time after that night and to this day, I still do because of him. I do hope that I'll find the strength in my heart to forgive him someday because I know God would want me to do so. It won't be easy carrying that anger and sadness in your heart for the rest of your life so it's best to let it go and move on. It'll take me a little more time before I can do that, hopefully not for a long time. Forgiving is harder than you think it is. Only God can help me change.

What Does My Future Hold?

I've been thinking about school and my future in general lately. I have one more semester left til I graduate this Fall with my associate's degree and I've been wondering if it's time for me to try and get a part time job as a graphic designer. I'm tired of working dead end jobs for the past few years now and it's gotten me nowhere really to be honest. I want to get started with my career and continue to work on my bachelor's degree. That's all I want to do for now. My current job is alright but I feel like I'm missing out on the fun in the graphic design world and want to get involved in something that has a meaning for me in my life. Well, all I can do is pray and hope that everything turns out well for me. I don't want to be stuck unhappy with my job and life in general for the rest of my life, you know? Things might not turn out the way I want them to but I do have faith that I'll graduate and find a job eventually. That's how life is. It works out on its own with God's help. :)



MySpace-Countdowns

NYC plans

Just wanted to give you an update on my planning for my NYC trip. So far, I have bought plane tickets for me and John to fly to Newark, NJ from Dallas. I decided to do that flight route because it was cheaper and it cost too much to fly from Amarillo to Newark. Newark is only 15 miles away from the city so we will ride to our hotel from the airport. We did reserve a hotel which is located very close to Times Square and I'm super excited about it! It'll be so neat to walk around and see stuff in that city. A couple of weeks ago, John bought tickets for us to go see a broadway and a Rockette show. He let me pick which show I want to see and I picked Wicked! I'm a Wizard of Oz geek, lol. The cool thing about broadways in NYC is that I can get an interpreter or an caption device to tell me what is being said during the show. Gotta love NYC for caring about deaf people!! That's all we have paid for so far. 
We still have a few things to do such as buying extra plane tickets to fly to Dallas from Amarillo so we can stay overnight at a hotel and then leave in the morning for the airport and buying passes to help save some money on places we will go see. I'm planning to reserve tickets for us to be able to get inside the Statue of Liberty and visit Ellis Island. It costs about $16 per person which isn't too bad like I thought it would be and hopefully we will be able to get inside. They let a certain number of people so I'll try my best to get reservations. We'll save extra for food, souvenirs, etc. That's all I can think of for now. Man, I'm so excited that I can hardly believe that the trip is in a few months! :) 

MySpace-Countdowns

Fighting the Boredom of Summer

It's been a few weeks since I've been out of school and I'm already bored. Seriously, I am. It's summer time and I should be enjoying it but to tell the truth, I'm not. All I do is work, watch tv, or sleep. I do have two trips coming up this month so that should help fight the boredom, lol. Anyways, I've been trying to come up with stuff to do to keep myself from dying of boredom and came up with a few:

1. I decided that I'm going to try and get back into painting again. Haven't done that in a couple of years since the last time I took a painting class at school.

2. Also thought of making an attempt at learning how to crochet. I love arts and crafts. It keeps me thinking and enjoying my quiet time.

3. Take walks at the park on nice days without the winds blowing so hard.

4. Come up with more topics to write my blogs. I enjoy typing my thoughts out.

5. Try rock climbing out. Saw a friend's status on Facebook about some place in town that has indoors rock climbing so I thought it was a good idea to try it out. I've always wanted to do that but never could find a good time to do so.

Well, that's all I could think of what to do this summer so I won't be SO BORED. If you have any suggestions of what I should try, feel free to comment on here or email me. Hope y'all won't be bored like me!!! :)

Are Some Friends Worthy to Keep?

Just thought I could write a blog about some experiences I've had with people who I consider my good friends and others who I thought were my friends but they aren't. Growing up, I had some friends who I had known since I was in preschool and we were pretty close like brothers and sisters. We would fight, laugh, and cry together. Over the years, I started to see their true colors and we all ended up going different ways in our lives, never being the best friends we were in elementary school again. It was sad but at the same time, I'm glad that I learned the hard way to see who my true friends were because I've been lied to, backstabbed, and made fun of. There's one friend who I considered one of my greatest best friend in the world and we were like sisters. I would tell her everything and trusted her. We were doing good til we got to middle school and it all changed. She started to change and tried hard to be popular and fit in. I was one of those school geeks who studied all the time and did athletics to keep myself busy. I was made fun of by her and she turned my friends against me. She lied a lot and betrayed me. It hurt a lot, I mean A LOT. We were friends on and off for a long time and by the time we were in high school, it got a lot worst. She would be my friend one day and the next day, she would shun me for no reason. She would tell me that I was ugly and would never get a boyfriend so I needed to change so I could attract boys. My gosh, it stung me....my own best friend telling me I was ugly. When I look back, I think, "what was I thinking? She wasn't a true friend!" After a few years, we reconciled but the old wounds were still there emotionally and mentally inside me. She never really apologized for how she treated me and all those things she said to hurt my feelings. She acts as if nothing happened and that I was the one who hurt her which I didn't understand why she would think that when she was the one who did the damage. Well it's the past and I learned to let go but sometimes it comes back to me whenever she talks about me not being a good friend. I had been there for her as a friend and it felt like she bit me in the butt and took me for granted. Whatever. The other day, she came over to visit me and we were talking about my wedding and where I was thinking about having it at. She asked me if I was having it at my church and I said no. She was like, "Good. I don't like the church and if your wedding was there, I won't show up." When she said that, it was like a knife going through my heart and my perception of her as a friend changed. Her status from best friend downgraded to a.....stranger. That's the best word I can describe her because that's not the friend I once knew and trusted. I don't hate her....I still care about her as a friend but I can't take any more of how she treats me and says things that hurt me. A true friend would never say that she won't show up for your wedding just because she hated your church. I've been asking myself if she is this worthy to keep as a friend? Honestly, I don't know anymore. I also wonder what would God say about this situation? I learned in church today that love is patient and kind and that if people judge or say anything to hurt you, you got to be patient, accept it, and forgive them. I forgive her but still ask myself if she is really worthy to keep as a friend for life? I don't know the answer to the question. If anyone reads this blog, you can put comments on here or give me advices on what to do in this kind of situation. I'm happy to listen and take any kind of advice. It's not easy finding out who your friends really are.  :(

My Dream Trip

It's May and I'm supposed to go on my dream trip to New York City in 7 months. Sure, I'm excited but at the same time, I'm afraid that something would come up and put an end to that dream trip of mine. Lately, I've been struggling financially and it has taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally. As some of you might know, I had been saving up for the trip and so far, I have over $1,000 dollars. I need another $1,500 before I can actually have enough to pay for the plane ticket, hotel room, and other stuff to do while I'm up there. My hours at work were cut in half pretty much and it is starting to worry me that I would not be able to go because my paychecks don't really help. I need them to pay for my bills, food, and gas like everyone else does. At some times, I feel like crying, you know? No one understands how bad I want to go. I've been wanting to go since I was a kid. It's like I've been working so hard to make a dream come true only to come to a point where I see it fading now due to financial problems. Heck, I asked around to see if there was anything I could to earn some money and no one seems to care. Someone told me, "ohh you're gonna be a busy girl, huh?" and it made me feel like I was being made fun of or something. Only if those people knew how much I wanted to go. I have a big framed picture of New York City's skyline hanging on the wall at home and I always look at it, picturing myself standing along the river looking in awe at such an amazing sight of the city and its lights. Whenever I have a bad day, I'll look up at it and tell myself that I can always go there and have a good time there rather than deal with a bad day. You know, I had a list of why I want to go there. I had planned to go there during Thanksgiving week this year because I wanted to see New York in the fall, my favorite season, and of course, the famous Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. Here's the list:

1. Ride on the subways (never been on one before so it would be an exciting experience for me)

2. Go see the Statue of Liberty and get inside. I would love to come back and tell everyone that I was inside Lady Liberty's head, lol.

3. Head over to Ellis Island to visit the place where my ancestors from my dad's side came through when they immigrated from Italy. My sister went there 2 years ago and said there was a list of people who came through there on a plaque so I want to see my own ancestors' names on the list.

4. Go to the Empire State Building and look at the great view of the entire city from such a high level. Yes, I'm terrified of heights so I won't actually go over the edge, lol but I want to see that view. I remember one scene from Sleepless in Seattle where Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan meet for the first time at the top of Empire State Building and I thought it was a sweet thing to do. That's what made me want to see the building and share it with John. :)

5. Try New York City's food, of course, who doesn't?? I would love to go to Little Italy and have me some New York style pizza! Also would love to grab a hot dog from one of those stands they have in the streets of New York.

6. This might be a sad thing to do but I want to go to Ground Zero and pay my respects. It'll be 10 years after  9/11 that I'll be up there and I don't know what to expect once I'm in the WTC area. I also thought to myself, "why don't I go find a fire station somewhere in the city and thank those firefighters who survived the attacks for risking their lives to save others?" I thought I could do that...I mean, I was touched by what they did on 9/11 and wanted to thank them for a long time.

7. Times Square. How can any other place beat that? I would LOVE to see all those lights and billboards they have on the buildings. I've seen on tv where they have closed captions on the big tv screens. I want to stand in Times Square watching the news in cc and be in awe. My mom said that you can see the New Year's Ball too, pretty cool, huh?

8. Go see a broadway play and the best part of it, you can ask for an interpreter! How awesome is that? I would get to enjoy my first broadway in New York with the help of an interpreter!

9. Go over to Hoboken, NJ which is across the Hudson River from New York City to pay a visit to Carlo's Bakery which some of you might be familiar with from the show, "Cake Boss". I love that show and drool over the desserts the bakery makes. I would love to try those delicious looking desserts!

10. Take a long walk around Central Park. I know it'll beat John Stiff Park and Media Park here in Amarillo. I hear they have a zoo in there so it would be neat to see a zoo in the middle of a huge park!

11. Go on a little cruise around the city and see the skyline at night. Would be a better view for me than my own framed picture of the New York skyline, lol.

12. Macy's Thanksgiving parade. Now that's something I've always wanted to see since I was a kid. I remember getting up early every year on Thanksgiving morning to watch the parade. I would like to stand in Times Square and see the parade with giant balloons and performers up front.

13. If I ever have time while my week up there, I would like to walk by Yankee Stadium wearing my Texas Rangers gear just to diss the Yankee fans. Heck, I think the whole city would want to kill me, lol.

14. Go to Rockefeller Center to visit the Top of the Rock which is higher than Empire State Building itself (May God help me face my fear of heights up there) and see the famous ice skating rink. I don't think I'll ice skate though because I'm horrible!! Lol.

15. Take a tour in the NBC studios. Would like to see how tv shows and other things are done at NBC.

16. Go shopping at Macy's. Never been in that store before so it should be interesting.

17. There are tons of other things I would like to do so the list would be endless. So I will end this list with one more reason why I want to go to New York City. I had some ancestors from my mom's side of family that helped found New York City back in the 1500s. So part of me is from there in a way and it would be like returning to my roots in one of the places that created America.

Now that's a lot of amazing things you've heard about why I want to go to New York City so bad. This is going to be a hard road for me to earn some money to pay my trip off. If anyone is reading this, I want to tell you that I'll do anything (except bad things that is) to earn and save some money like babysitting, walking dogs, or whatever. If you ever need help and are willing to pay for it, I can work and help you. You can contact me through Facebook and let me know. I know I sound desperate but I thought I could try and give it a shot by writing this blog and getting it out to people. Well, thanks for listening to me and hope you enjoyed reading this.

Good Tips on How to Save Money on Gas!

I got this email from my grandma and thought it had real good tips on how to save money on gas. We all know how painful it is for us to watch the gas prices constantly climbing so I thought I'd put this on my blog and share with other people.

*With gas expected to reach $5 per gallon by summer, these tips that I received from a friend in California might come in handy.*



*TIPS  ON PUMPING GAS*



I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline....but here in California we are paying up to $3.75 to $4.10 per gallon. *(Last night on the News local Portland TV stations said we have hit $4 to $4.25 already!)*My line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon:

Here at the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose, CA we deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline...One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and premium grades. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 gallons.

*Tip #1:*Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground.

-The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer, gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon.

-In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important role.

-A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.

*Tip #2:*When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode.

-If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high.

-You should be pumping on low mode, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping.

-All hoses at the pump have a vapor return.

-If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.

*Tip #3:*One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is *HALF FULL*. The reason for this is the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space.

-Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine.

-Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves
as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation.

-Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount.

*Tip#4:*Another* IMPORTANT* reminder, if there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT STOP to fill up; most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.

To make an impact, we need to reach literally millions of gas buyers. It is really simple to do.

I'm sending this note to about thirty people. If each of you send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 =3D 300)...and those 300 send it to at  least ten more(300 x 10 =3D 3,000) and so on, by the time the message  reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached  over THREE MILLION consumers!!!!!!! If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted!

If it goes one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION
PEOPLE!!!

Basketball Memories, Good and Bad

I've been watching the NCAA tournament and I got to admit that there has been a lot of exciting games this year. I love basketball. I mean, I love the sport very much and had played it for several of years when I was younger. I wasn't the best player on the court but I did enjoy playing and it helped me be a better person in a way. The best memories of playing are when I was in high school and I admit that there were also some bad ones too. I guess anyone who plays or has played before has good and bad memories too. I remember my teammates and how we played so well together. Well, there were some people who I'd say were difficult to work with and I had to learn to get along with them or it would have been a disaster.

There are some good memories but I'll just name a few. One of the best games that I've played was against Palo Duro, one of the toughest teams in our district, during my junior year in a tournament when I did my best. I scored more points than I normally did and worked so hard offensively and defensively. Eventually the game ended and we lost. When we were getting ready to leave the court to head back to the locker room, the entire PD team came up to me and shook my hand. They told me that I did a good job playing and I was surprised. I was the only one who they came up to instead of my teammates. They were impressed with me playing well regardless of my disability. It's not everyday that you have an entire opposing team come up to you and applaud your hard work. Another good memory is all those road trips we took and how much fun it was to hang out with my teammates. I loved those bus rides and still miss them. My favorite memory is probably my junior season when my JV team and I did very well even better than the varsity team in my opinion. I was starting to get better and earned myself a position as a starter in a few games. The girls on my team were great and I got along with them pretty good. That was my best year that I've ever played. There were some bad memories too and a couple of them the worst...my team including myself getting punished by Coach Y. He had us running at 1 am after getting back from a game in Midland. A couple of girls on my team got into a fight on the bus on the way back over something stupid and as a result, we all ended up running for like 45 minutes to a hour til we were nearly dying. I was sooo mad and wished that those girls wouldn't have fought. Another bad memory was getting into a fight with a teammate my sophomore year because of how badly she was treating me and I got fed up with her crap. I got shut out by my team for the rest of the season after that. I mean, they hated me so much that they would trash talk to me and think I was pulling the team down with me. In practices, they would pass the ball to me so hard that I would drop it, bump into me on purpose to make me nearly fall, and they would give me dirty looks. I nearly got kicked off the team when I stood up for myself by getting into that fight with my teammate. That kind of attitude she had towards me was unacceptable. She would constantly be so mean to me and treat me like I was the worst player ever. That night I got into the fight with her, I messed up and accidently missed the ball being passed to me because I didn't see it coming to me and I'm deaf...I mean, I can't always know when someone is trying to pass the ball to me. And she stood on the sidelines giving me a dirty look and said "what's up with you? Why didn't you pay attention to that??" That's when I exploded and went up to her, signed "This isn't my fault so stop it" and she didn't understand what I was signing. Then she got mad at me and I turned around. The entire team got mad at me for fighting with her. I was like, really? you would rather stand up for her against me? It was the worst season I've ever had and I felt like I was the outsider the whole time.

My favorite coach was Coach Williams. She was the best. I had her all 4 years of high school, 3 years as my freshman and JV coach and one year as my assistant coach. She believed in me when other coaches didn't and knew that I would bust my butt trying to do my best that I could. She actually gave me more playing time than my varsity coach ever did and she was always so positive with us, in practices and games. I never once saw her get so mad or yell at us. She inspired me to become a better player and person at the same time.

My varsity coach, Coach Y, was the opposite. He had no absolute belief in me and always put me down. They say that the best coaches are the ones who believe in you and know you try your best and Coach Y wasn't one of them, sadly. I was starting to get better my junior year but when my senior season started, it changed. I remember one time during practice in the preseason when Coach Y asked me to come into his office so I went in with my interpreter and Coach Williams was in there too. Coach Y looked at me and told me that he didn't think that I should be on the team but it was up to me to stay if I wanted to. I was shocked and hurt. He said that if I wanted to stay, he wouldn't give me any playing time. I looked at him and said, "I want to stay. I've been waiting to play on this team since I was a freshman and I'm not leaving." I actually had tears in my eyes when I said it and Coach Y just stood there as if he didn't care. He said "Well, then you don't get any playing time and you can still practice with the team". Coach Williams looked at me and she knew that I had wanted this badly and watched me grow over the years she had coached me. Coach Y even left my name out of the roster in the beginning of the season when they announced who was on the team in the newspaper. It hurt me that he had no belief in me and pretty much implied that I was the worst player on the team. Since that day, I worked so hard and practiced on my shooting to improve. I wanted to prove to him that I could do it. I was the bench warmer the whole season and only got a few playing times. He put me down so much that he actually decided that I wasn't going to travel with the team to El Paso for a big tournament going on there that year. Imagine how that made me feel. I was left behind while he replaced me with a freshman player and I was left alone to practice with the JV team. I remember walking in the locker room the day after my team left for El Paso, the JV girls looked at me in shock and asked me why I was still here instead of the team. I was so embarrassed and told them why. Coach Y had said that he couldn't afford to have me and my interpreter come along. The girls were so angry and couldn't believe it. They told me that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. Then they asked me to play with them in the JV tournament and I said, I wish but can't because of UIL rules that a senior can't play on a JV level. They begged and begged because they needed me. It made me smile knowing that they looked up to me but it broke my heart that I couldn't play with them. I told my mom about the situation and oh boy, she was soooo mad. She thought it wasn't right for me to be left behind so she went up to the principal's office to talk to my principal. She asked her if it was true and Mrs. Harrison (principal) said it wasn't true and that the school could afford to have me and my interpreter come along. Coach Y got into trouble with her and was told to allow me to come on the road trips to tournaments. He apologized to me but still to this day, I don't think he really meant it. For the rest of the season, I endured emotional abuse from him by being benched and getting yelled at in practices. At one point, I messed up on a play in practice and he got so angry that he bounced the ball hard and it flew up in the air. Then he yelled at me and acted like I was pulling the team down with the way I was playing. After practice, I cried in private and wished that he would see me as a good player and respect me more. I didn't give up and continued to show my support for my team. Those were my girls and they needed me to cheer them on. I remember being excited in games and cheering them on and being unhappy with them when we lost. One game, I can't remember who we played but it was a close game and I was so nervous and excited that I kept on waving my shooting shirt in the air and cheering for my girls. Then we won that game by a couple of points and the next day during practice, Coach Y gathered us and said that he was watching the film from the game and noticed one thing. He said he saw me cheering for my teammates and how enthusiastic I was for them. It changed his perspective of me and he called me the "cheerleader" of the team. He told them that he wanted the other girls to act like me, be supportive and excited for your team. I was surprised when he said that because the whole season, he was so negative towards me and that one film showing me cheering for my team changed how he thought of me. I didn't get to play much but I did earn his respect at last. And oh, I did eventually score for the first time in the whole last season and man, I was so excited....it was only 2 points but it made me happiest player on the team that night, lol. It was like a Rudy moment for me. I had worked hard for that one moment when Coach Y put me in a game for a few minutes and that was my goal for the season...just to score at least once with less playing time. He also let me play in the last game of my career and it meant a lot to me even if it was just for a couple of minutes. I see Coach Y's Facebook page and wish that I could just email him and tell him the things that I just wrote on here and he would know how he affected me, good and bad.

As you read this, you're probably wondering why I had a little more bad memories than good ones. It's because I've endured so much as a deaf player on a team full of hearing girls and it was a challenge for me. I'm thankful to have those good and bad memories. My experiences taught me to be strong and stand up for what I believe in. It's been 8 years since I played and I still have those memories. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change some things but other times, I tell myself to be happy that I got to play my favorite sport with the best team ever. I would love to coach little kids someday and teach them to play their best that they can. Heck, I'd let the weakest player have some more playing time than I ever did because I believe in them.

A Day of Horror and Heartbreak

Yesterday, Amarillo saw the worst day it ever had in years. Massive wildfires were sparked by high winds up to about 65 mph and they spread around outside the city in some certain areas. I was at my grandma's in Canyon when I got a  message from a friend who informed me that there was a high wind warning and that fires were spreading like hell. At first, I thought it was just a small one, I mean, I've seen many fires around Amarillo before and they were usually put out fast. I just went on and watched a movie, then during the movie, the electricity went out twice due to the high winds blowing and hitting the power lines. My grandma said that the roof sounded like it was about to blow off or something. I finished the movie and decided to check my Facebook and was horrified to see reports coming in from the Amarillo Globe News' page about fires spreading and burning so many houses including one business. One thing that broke my heart the most was those people losing their homes and a local kennel was burned down to the ground and killed some animals that were kept there. I told my grandma about it and we changed the channel to watch the news. They showed pictures of the fires and said that a lot of people were evacuated from their homes. They listed areas that were in danger and I realized that one of my friends lived in one of those areas so I text messaged him to see if he was ok. He said he was ok and his house wasn't in danger but his family had to be evacuated from their houses. They ended up having to stay with him overnight because the cops wouldn't let anyone go back to their houses til the fires were contained and that it was safe to reenter. I was getting very concerned and hoped that not any more fires would start once I started to drive back home to Amarillo so I waited til the winds died down. When the winds finally did, I left Canyon and on the way home, I could see the huge smoke in the sky above the city's skyline and could smell the smoke even if it was just 20-30 miles away. I almost wanted to cry and prayed that God would watch over those people and protect them. I'm thankful to God that I have a home and my cats but it still hurts my heart that there were so many houses and pets lost in the fires. You can't replace those kind of things. I never really understood how bad it could be til yesterday when I saw the smokes and realized that it was close to home and those people really did lose everything they had.

Today I was reading the news when I found out the cause for those wildfires in the northern area of Amarillo and felt sick to my stomach. A guy was arrested for trespassing on a private property to cut metals and it was very windy yesterday and he didn't even care. The sparks from the grinding of the metals got into the dry grass and the winds blew them so hard that they spread quickly. People saw him doing that and reported it to the cops. This man is responsible for so many losses and I don't know what he's thinking right now while he's sitting in jail. All I hope is that he's sorry and will be willing to take responsibility for what he has done. And for the other areas affected by the wildfires, there has been no causes found yet but I know we will find out eventually. My friend also told me today that his parents and sister were able to go back to their houses and praise God, their house and animals are ok but have damages inside their houses due to smoke soot and front yards are burned. He went there and said it looked very bad out there. Nothing but a few houses were burned to the grounds and the grass are brown and black all over. All of this was destroyed by a simple mistake a guy made at the wrong time and wrong place.

This tragedy made me feel helpless and sad so I decided that I wanted to help those victims out. I found some information on where to go and drop stuff off. I gathered all of the clothes I don't wear and put them in bags and headed to the Salvation Army. They were happy to take the clothes in and told me that they will be taking those to one affected area tomorrow and the other one by Wednesday. It made me feel good knowing that those people will be getting clothes when they need them the most. I plan on donating some money at a local bank to give to the Red Cross for the victims. And one more thing I can do for the victims is pray to God that He will help them get through this tragedy and give them strength to rebuild their lives from ashes.

Psalm 46:1

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."

Good Advices

I was checking my emails and came across on one email that touched me. In this email, a 90 years old from Cleveland wrote 45 lessons on how to live your life and they all were good. So I want to share with all of you and hope you'll take those advices from this lady who has really lived her life to the best she could. 

Written by a 90 year old

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure 
you read to the end!!!!!!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , 
Ohio.

"To celebrate growing  older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. 
It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once  more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2.  When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and  
parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their 
journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret,  you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late   to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going  after what you love in life, don't take no for 
an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22.  Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will 
this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad  a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not  because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36.  Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37.  Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40.  If we all threw our  problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

I would definitely take those lessons to live my life the way I want it to be.  :)