Frustrated

Okay, I want to vent something on here. I don't give a hoot if you think I'm being mean for what I say on here. I've been so frustrated for the past two years since I got pregnant with my son. The reason is religion and the people who practice it. I'm a former church goer and what you would consider as "lost" from God. I mean, I still believe in Jesus and know he's the real deal but really, it's the so called Christians that I have a problem with. I lost so many friends because they judged and banished me as a friend for having a kid out of wedlock. That was the most hurtful thing I've ever gone through and I still haven't forgiven them for that. It's been hard for me to trust churches since then and I'm constantly bashed for supporting liberal views on gay marriage, abortions, helping poor people have health insurance, and etc. I have my own reasons for my choice of politics. I have gay friends who I love dearly and want to see them have the right to get married like I did to marry my husband. I'm a rape victim and used the morning after pill because I didn't want to give birth to a monster's baby and believe abortions are best for women when they're in that kind of situation. I'm disabled and receive social security benefits so bash me all you want. I made that choice so I would stay afloat and I don't make enough at my job to help my husband pay bills. I don't support wars at all because I lost a friend to one and it became real to me that war does suck. I'm sorry that I suck to you as a person because I think differently from you. I learned that God wants us to love each other no matter what and I would never force my beliefs on anybody. It's not fair of anyone to tell me that I'm wrong for what I choose to believe and support. I might not agree with your conservative views and I keep my religious beliefs to myself but I love you and wish that you would respect me when I try to explain why I'm the way I am without you throwing the Bible at me. That's why I tried to avoid sharing my political and religious opinions on Facebook a lot because it was making people delete me. I see your posts but just hide them or scroll past them and yet, I see you disappear because you hate my posts and delete me. This year has been a crazy one in my opinion. People fought over Chick-Fil-A and Hobby Lobby. I don't agree with their choices but it doesn't stop me from going to their places. I love chicken and crafts. And now this Duck Dynasty mess has crossed the line for me because I say one thing and next thing I know, a life long friend gets angry at me for defending gay people. I was hurt and told him that I respected him for his choices but he had no right to get angry and be rude to me for that. I choose not to watch the show because it's not my type of show and I'm not a redneck. I don't agree with what Phil Robertson said and it's his right to say whatever he wants but people, do you really have to bash those who don't agree with him? Politics and religion has ruined many many friendships I had with people and I'm getting tired of it. I'm tired of being told I'm a sinner for my life choices. The reality is that we all are sinners and not perfect so accept it and I ask y'all to treat each other like you would like to be treated. Well that's the end of my rant so you have the choice whether you want to keep me as a friend or not. Have a Merry Christmas and please keep your quacks about Duck Dynasty quiet and I will keep mine to myself. :) 

One more thing....

That's what I wish for all of us to have someday without wanting to kill each other.

A Merry Star Wars Christmas

Here's more Christmas humor to share with y'all. May the Force be with you. :)

Funny Elf on the Shelf Ideas

It is Christmas season so I was looking online and found several pictures of Elf on the Shelf Ideas and thought I would share them with you. They're pretty funny and creative. Enjoy!

Starting Over

A lot has changed for me in the past month. I quit my job because I was unhappy and wanted to make my graphic design degree usable so I decided to start a small business by designing graphics on shirts, mugs, cards, and etc. Believe me, I felt like a failure for a while because things weren't happening the way I wanted them to. People seemed uninterested in my work and I felt discouraged but just kept faith in myself that I could eventually get it going. My family has been supportive of me the whole time. I had worked for a long time and for me to quit my job and start out on my own was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I'm used to working for people above me and working by myself isn't easy but I am starting to get used to it and feel better every day that I keep working on things I create. Besides graphic design, I'm working on arts/crafts where I make things by hand and sell them. So far, I've sold 2 Christmas wreaths and already have two orders to fill. When I sold them, I felt overjoyed at the thought that I made something and I got to sell it to someone who appreciated my hard work and loved my art. When I tell people what I do, some are happy for me but others just act like I'm trying too hard and setting myself up for failure again. I guess it is part of having your own business. Without encouragement and support, I don't think I would be able to go on. I try so hard to advertise my work everywhere by word, Facebook, and other social media to get it out there to be known. This is new to me and I hope that things will get better for me. For those reading my blog, I could appreciate if y'all could spread the word about what I'm doing. I am working on setting up a page on Facebook once I get my business to get better and selling more things. If y'all have tips about what I can do to improve things, let me know. Thank y'all for your support. :)

A Split America

As we know it, Election Day is tomorrow and it's been agonizing for me when I see people fighting on Facebook constantly over politics. I'm going to tell you a secret: I haven't voted. Surprising, isn't it? Just because I have liberal views doesn't mean I'm gonna dance my way to the voting poll and check the box for Obama. I thought about this for a long time and it was hard for me. I voted for Obama four years ago believing that he would actually change things and make them better for us. Yes, he did end the war in Iraq and did a few good things but at the same time, I'm disappointed. Unemployment rate is still bad and we have a real high debt. And I got a real bad feeling about Obama. While he might seem charming on the outside, I see something inside him that bothers me. I see pictures of him disrespecting the American flag by not placing his hand on his chest and the whole Libya coverup scandal has opened my eyes. He seems to not care about the true meaning of being a proud American and defending us. I don't want a president who ignores the American flag and his country people. You might disagreed with me but it's just my instincts telling me that there's something wrong about this picture about Obama. Hard to explain. If I could pick anyone over him, I would go for Hilary Clinton but unfortunately, I don't think she's going to run again.

And if you're wondering that I decided to vote for Romney. You're wrong again. I hate him. He wants to take women's rights and equal pay rights away. He wants to set our country back to the 1950s and have us become freaking housewives. He also doesn't believe in gay marriage which I do. I know some of you would hate me for believing in that. I have several friends who are gay and lesbians and they're wonderful people. It seems unfair that I get to be married and they don't. I wish they could have a legal marriage and be viewed equally. I believe that Romney doesn't really care about what he calls the 47% which are some of us. I'm part of the 47% because I'm on disability benefits and don't work right now. I don't expect you to sympathize me for that. I didn't ask to be deaf and struggle to find a good paying job without being discriminated. I'm a full time mom taking care of my son and trying to make ends meet by making crafts and cards to sell so I can make extra money. If I were to meet Romney, I'm sure he would look down at me and think I'm lazy and relying on government money. Pretty pathetic, isn't it?

So you can see why I don't like both of them. That's why I decided that for the first time in 8 years, I'm not going to vote. Why vote for people you don't like or trust? And if you tell me to vote for the 3rd party, I won't. I know nothing about the other parties than democratic and republican. What's the point of voting? Both aren't right leaders for us and whoever wins, we are screwed either way. Now I've said enough and all I can do is hope that our country bounces back from a bad economic time and have changes made to get better. And if I keep seeing people complaining about whoever wins this election on Facebook, I'm going to delete the posts. We have to move on and keep hoping for the best. We are split as a nation and need to unite again.

May God Bless America....

30 things to Do Before I'm 30

I was going through some old blogs on my MySpace profile and came up on this blog about things that I wanted to accomplish before I turn 30. I'm 27 years old and only have done a few things of them. The list was actually written in a diary when I was 19 but put that in my blog. Here's what I wrote in my blog 6 years ago and you'll see which ones I've accomplished so far in bold pink words.


"This may sound unusual of me to do this but I thought I could share with everyone about what I wrote in my journal when I was 19. In this entry, I wrote down 30 things I felt like I wanted to do before I turn 30 in 9 years from now.
Jan 14, 2004
Dear Diary,
Hey, thought I'd tell you 30 things I would like to do before I'm 30....
1. Learn to play the bass guitar
2. Learn to rock climb
3. Go on a trip to New York City -I came this close to going but a knee injury and pregnancy kept me from going. :(
4. Write a children's book
5. Learn to be a better cook
6. Go to my 10 years' high school reunion
7. Work out to keep in shape -I did for a while but stopped. I have no motivation or a friend to work out with now.
8. Meet a few wrong guys before I finally meet the right one -I did and I'm marrying him in a few months. :)
9. Go on road trips to Seattle, New England, wherever I want.
10. Adopt a couple of kittens and take good care of them. -I adopted one and found another one that was wandering around at my old apt. I still have them and their names are Snickers and Reese.
11. Finish college and get my degree. -I graduated with two associate degrees but still want to pursue a bachelor's so I'm not really done with college.
12. Learn to snowboard -Done that and it was hard!!!
13. Take pottery classes.
14. Take dancing classes.
15. Get a makeover -I did so many times changing hair colors and trying on new clothes styles. It was fun.
16. Find a good place to live
17. Go yachting
18. Pet a dolphin
19. Ride a camel
20. Get a telescope so I'll look at the stars better -I had one for a while but stopped using it because I couldn't figure out how to use it properly.
21. Go camping with friends
22. Being in two places at once
23. Have the best sex ever  :) -no comment, lol.
24. Meet up with old friends -did that and it was great. Would love to do that again!
25. Find the happiness I've been waiting for -I did and hope it'll stick around for a long time.
26. Run in an marathon
27. Go out in the country to watch a sunrise with the true love of my life.
28. Get a heinie (a fake tattoo)
29. Get a great massage -yep and it was a good one.
30. Find out who I am really. -sort of did but still learning more through life experiences

All those things I've just written are what I would like to do but I think half of them will happen and the rest won't. Well, I'll wait and see what I do in a period of time."

So you can see what I've done and I hope I will get to finish the other things in 2 years before I turn 30.

The Life and Death of a Friendship

This is a difficult topic similar to losing a family member but with a different perspective. Friendships are part of your life. You make friends that come and go as you grow up. I started making them at the age of 2 years old when I was enrolled into a deaf preschool program that let us start early before any other regular programs. I had several friends that I grew up with from that age til high school. Then some of them started to go other paths in their paths: college, getting married and having kids young, and working. I went to college and met several more people along the way. Some of them were interesting people and others were well, crazy. Unfortunately, I lost two friends who died while I was in college and it was real sad because I never got to know them more if we did end up being good friends til old age. I did have a few childhood best friends that lasted 20 years or less and recently in the past few years, I lost them because we had changed and didn't spend as much time together as we used to. I learned that life happens and you can't expect people to be around forever. Then there were frenemies (friend/enemies) who were quite a challenge for me and I would constantly have a love/hate relationship with those kind of people. I experienced a couple of friendships that were very toxic to me because of how they treated me or made me bad about myself and yet, I still found myself glued to them. It took me a long time to unstick myself from them. Their betrayal and cruel actions opened my eyes and I realized that it would be unhealthy to continue being friends with them so I had to end them. My mom always tells me that I will have at least 1-3 close friends in my life. Well right now, I feel like I have maybe 1 or 2, but that seems to be going down slowly to one. I had one friend who I considered as one of the bestest close friend ever. We were like sisters and talked all the time via texting or emails. I confided in her about anything and we shared life advices. We had almost everything in common. It was an almost perfect friendship. Then one day, it changed forever when we got into a fight that pretty much ended our friendship. I cried so hard and that was the most heartbreaking thing to go through since the death of my friend years ago. I don't want to mention what the cause of the fight was but it was awful and I still feel guilty about it. I tried to fix it by apologizing thru emails but she distanced herself from me and told me not to talk to her again. It hurt me real bad and it was hard to let that friendship go. So I distanced myself and never spoke to her again til one day she was in town visiting and invited me to come see her. I was reluctant to go see her because I still had those hurt feelings hidden but I told myself to suck up and go. When we did meet up, I was glad to see her but at the same time, it was awkward. I even had to keep a happy face on when I really wanted to cry and hug her which didn't happen. Thank goodness. I would've looked like a fool. We talked as if nothing happened and then I had to leave. She gave me a hug and bid me goodbye. It didn't feel the same as it did once. Then I left feeling like crap afterwards and wondered why we didn't bother to fix this. I felt like it was really over between us. Since that day, I had moved on and occasionally, I will still look at her Facebook page and hope she's doing alright. We still haven't spoken and I miss her terribly. There's nothing I can do about it now. I tried to talk and apologize but she never spoke to me again. So it feels like I'm grieving over the death of a great friendship and I don't know how to get over it. If you think I'm being a crybaby about this, then don't bother talking to me. You should understand that friends are like family to me and I cherish them so much that it hurts when I lose one of them. It takes me some time to heal and move on with my life but I'll never forget those people that came and went. They left footprints in my heart that I will never remove for as long as I live.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

This is the last month of my pregnancy and I'm already impatient! I'm due on the 31st but want Aiden to come early. I'm tired of being pregnant and I'm also ready to be a mommy! The doctor says that so far Aiden is in excellent health and his heart rate has been great too. It gives me a relief knowing that he's healthy despite of what I went thru with him in the first 4 months. I was very sick and lost 20 pounds as a result of severe morning sickness. I gained 30-35 pounds and now I'm big as a beach ball thanks to him. Lol. I'm thankful that he's ok and active. :)

As for the baby stuff needed for when Aiden is here, I have almost everything but still have a few things left. Things need to be put up in the nursery and I need to order a special baby monitor for myself so it can alert me at night when Aiden is crying. This alarm has a light flasher and a bed vibrator. I do have another monitor that's for John mostly to hear his cries and that monitor has a light vibrator I can carry around with me during the day. I have quite a big challenge ahead of me as a deaf mother but I can do it. Oh, you should see the nursery! It looks great so far with walls painted in red, blue, and white. The theme is Texas Rangers/baseball. I have some wall decors like pictures of Ranger baseball players and a little Louisville slugger bat to go on the wall. Can't wait to see how it turns out when completed. :)

Some of you might know that my son's middle name will be named after my friend, Troy, who lost his life in Iraq 5 years and half ago. Last night I was sitting in the nursery by myself when I started thinking of Troy and talked to him as if he was in the room with me. I told him how much I missed him and wished that he would be here to see Aiden. Then I asked him to show me a blue camaro. You're all probably wondering why I asked that. When he was alive, he drove this 1987 blue camaro which he loved so much and it was his fave car. And when he died, I visited his grave two weeks after his funeral to pay my respects. During the visit, I asked him to appear to me as a blue camaro to let me know he was saying hello and with me. Over the years, I would see blue camaros almost every year on my birthday like he was wishing me a happy birthday or whenever I was going through hard times, I would see one and know he was reassuring me that things would get better. Last night, I asked him to show me a blue camaro to let me know if he was listening and would watch over Aiden. The next day(today), I was pulling out when I saw a blue camaro go by me. I smiled and cried. I knew he had listened and was going to watch over my son. It meant a lot to me seeing that car. Thank you, Troy.

Well, there's a light at the end of the tunnel and I'm waiting to see it when Aiden comes. I can't wait to see what he looks like and what kind of personality he will have. It's going to be an awesome experience being a mother and I'm looking forward to it. :D

Health Update

It's been a while since I've made updates on my pregnancy's progress. I wanted to let y'all know what's been up with me lately. I had a huge fallback with my health starting back in December when I began throwing up a few times which is normal because of morning sickness. Then it escalated to a point where I had such severe morning sickness, I mean, I was throwing up every 15-45 minutes and bad smells had been part of why it got so bad. One night I had enough and literally had no fluids in my body that I decided I needed to go to the hospital. I went and got hooked up to 3 bags of iv fluids. After that, I was given anti-nausea meds and released to go home. I was doing ok for about 3 days til I got sick again and threw up almost 3 days in a row without a break. It was horrible and I thought I was dying. I texted my mom one morning to tell her that I wasn't feeling real good and sent her a picture of my face to show her how sick I was. I had sunken eyes, a blister on my lip from dehydration, and skin was very white. She was horrified and left work, drove a hour to help me. When she got to my house, she tried to feed me food and get me to drink fluids but none of them would stay down so it was time for another visit to the hospital. I was there most of the day on iv fluids and went home afterwards. I was fine for a week and the next week didn't go well. Bad smells, lack of meds, and not much eating were big contributions of why I was getting sicker and sicker. I had struggled to get a doctor for a while but decided to just go ahead and get one anyways because I felt it was enough for me being sick almost everyday. My first appointment was last Wednesday and I was shocked with the horrifying results of what being sick had done to my body. Back in December, I was 125 pounds and when I stepped on the weight scale, it revealed I weighted 103 pounds. My heart stopped when I saw those numbers and that's when I realized how serious it was. I'm almost 4 months along and should be gaining weight at this stage instead of going backwards and losing 20 pounds. I look thin now but hope to get my weight back to normal and work on feeding the baby. Now I'm beginning my path to recovery by drinking fluids and eating every 2-3 hours. I also have left my house for a while to avoid bad smells and go stay with family. I care more about my health and the baby's that I need to do what needs to be done. All I want is my life and appetite back! Once I feel totally better, the first thing I would eat is a huge frosty! :)

Baby Names

I've been coming up with names for my little monster and it seems complicated. I mean, it is becoming real that I will actually name someone who isn't here yet. The name I pick has to be the perfect one for him or her and I want it to mean something. I have thought about if I have a boy, I want to put the name Troy as a middle name to name him after my friend, Troy Cooper, who died 5 years ago in Iraq and I want to honor his memory. I still haven't decided on the first name yet but I do have several ones that I like: Ben, Ian, Aiden, or Finn. If it is a girl, I know for sure that I want to keep my Italian heritage alive in my kid so I looked up Italian names for girls and found: Alessandra, Gisella, Graziella, and Domenica. You know, Domenica is the same name as my great-great grandmother who came through Ellis Island in New York City as an immigrant from Italy. I do like Leighton which is American and my middle name is Leigh-Ann so it would be cool if she did share a similar middle name to mine. We will see what I have in February or March. I know I will come up with a great name for my little monster. :)

Another Year Ending

Today is the last year of 2011. What can I say? This year had been like a roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs. I could say that I had tests at life and I feel like I had passed some and failed others. I had two difficult anniversaries of terrible events of my life that both happened exactly 5 years ago. I had overcome those days with strength and faith that I had survived and moved on. March 5, 2006 was when I was sexually assaulted and December 3, 2006 was when I learned the bad news that a friend of mine was killed in Iraq after having just talked to him 2 days before. Those events changed my life forever but they made me stronger, even 5 years later. Good things that came out on those anniversaries is that on March 5 of this year, I just lived my life without being afraid or sad. And on December 3 recently, it was the same day I found out I was pregnant and it made me think of my friend and how happy he would've been for me. Then I got injured at work in October resulting in my knee to get dislocated. I had to have surgery to fix my knee and it was a real difficult time, still is but I know that I'll be ok and that there will eventually be a light at the end of the tunnel. It might take me a few more months to recover in the new year. So those were my downs of this year and I'll move on to the ups that I had. I got to see my childhood boy band, New Kids on the Block and favorite baseball team, Texas Rangers play in one weekend. It was awesome! I got very close to Jordan, my NKTOB crush, when he walked by us while singing and I nearly melted! I sat behind the foul line in the outfield at the Rangers game and got a close up look of David Murphy and Josh Hamilton!!! I also wanted to see Ian Kinsler, one of my fave players but it was too far to see. Oh well, I can make plans to go to another Rangers game in 2012! Maybe I'll have a better chance of seeing Kinsler. I graduated with my associate degree this month and I'm proud of my accomplishments. Then I had the biggest surprise of this year: being pregnant. I had never thought about having kids but hey, it's a big up for me to end 2011 and start 2012 with. I decided not to do new years resolutions this year because I'm mainly focused on two things: get my knee better and get through my pregnancy without any complications. The most important thing I hope to have in 2012 is a healthy baby, that's all. For all of you guys, have a happy new year and may you be blessed with a good year ahead of you. :)

A Surprise

Life is full of surprises that you don't expect. I sure got the biggest surprise of my life: I'm pregnant. I had no suspicions that I was til the week after my knee surgery. Sure, the signs were there but I just didn't have a clue. I started throwing up every day I was taking pain medications. I thought my stomach was just reacting to the pills. Then I continued to take the pills and still throw up. I was so sick for two weeks straight and my fiancée, John, had a feeling that I might be pregnant and asked if he could go buy me a pregnancy test. At first, I was in doubt of being pregnant and shrugged it off as just the pills making me sick until I took my last pain pill and within a minute, I threw up and told John that he could go get the test. So he went and got one. I waited for a while and then decided to try. The first test I took, I'll never forget how I freaked out when I saw the second line appear quickly and asked John to come in. He came in and saw that it was positive. He looked scared too and I told him that I'll try another one in the morning to make sure it wasn't a false positive. So I went to bed and woke up the next morning, got up to take another test. Surely, I saw the two lines pop up again. Yelled for John to come in and he came in to see the results. When he saw it was another positive, he smiled and hugged me. He was very excited and I just sat there in disbelief and couldn't talk. Then I said, I'm going to test again. He laughed and said, "why? You're pregnant! I knew it." I told him that I was in denial and wanted to see if I could get a negative. Then the third time, it was positive and John wanted to tell everyone but I told him not to til I got the confirmation from my doctor. He was itching to say something but did what I asked him. I went to the doctor and it was confirmed. Fear filled up in my mind that I wasn't going to be a good mom or be able to walk good on my knee that I had just had surgery on. One thing that still puzzles me to this day is that my baby survived the knee surgery and stress from it. John says that God must have protected it. Now I'm currently 9 weeks along and starting to warm up to the idea of having a baby but reality still hasn't set in yet. I guess it's because I haven't seen my baby on a sonogram yet and once I see it, I know I will change. Pregnancy life has changed me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I suffer from morning sickness and mood swings. I mean, I'm sick almost every day and it's no fun. But I'm starting to learn how to handle it by eating small meals to keep myself from getting sick on an empty stomach. As for mood swings, I cry at commercials or anything that involves babies which is strange because I never did that before I was pregnant. I get upset or depressed sometimes depending on what I experience. I used to be a night owl but lately, I have been falling asleep at 8-9 pm every night. Sometimes I'll be awake at night thinking too much or I have to pee a lot, lol. I sleep up to 12 hours a night and nap for a couple of hours during the day. It's crazy how I'm going through those physical changes that it makes me sick and exhausted but I know that it will be worth it in the end when I have my baby. You know, I gave my baby a nickname, little monster, because it makes me sick every day and my stomach growls all the time! Well, I plan to continue posting updates as I go through my pregnancy and hopefully, I will be able to post pictures of my sonograms and etc when I can. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens and I pray that God will help me through this big change of my life. By the way, Little Monster says hi! :)

The 1960s Era

Here I am again, on a boring Sunday still stuck at home due to an injury so I decided to watch some tv shows on Hulu.com and I came up on this new tv show on ABC called Pan Am. It just came out last month and I caught up on the episodes that have already aired. So far, I like it a lot because of its setting in 1960s during the era of jets when they first were introduced to the world. I've always been fascinated with that time period and its styles such as clothing and graphic design.

Women looked very pretty and took good care of their looks back then and men managed to look handsome and had more respect for women then they do today. My mom was born in 1964 and I've always wondered what it would be like to live in that time period without technology that we have today and how I would have dressed differently. I don't like much of the fashion we have today like mini skirts and shirts that reveal too much skin. I do realize that mini skirts were introduced in the 60s but today, they are way too short where you can see women's underwear, ugh. What happened to respecting your own body and covering up the parts that aren't meant to be shown? As for hairstyles, I find it impossible to make my hair into a beehive or big hairdo with flips because my hair is so fine and requires a lot of hairspray to get volume, lol. I have no idea how those women back then could do it and still look good all day long! My grandma told me that my great-grandmother used to put cans in her hair to make curls and wrapped her hair in toilet paper to keep it from messing up while she was asleep in bed. She also would put so much hairspray in it and it would stay up for a long time. That sounds like a lot of work but that's how women had to do it to keep themselves looking nice. Here's a picture of my great-nanny and her bouffant hairstyle.

Pop art is one of my favorite art to study and most of my artwork are inspired by it. It was big in the 1960s and my two favorite pop artists from that era are Roy Lichtenstein and Andy Warhol. You probably recognize their famous pieces such as Lichtenstein's comic book style art and Warhol's Marilyn Monroe portrait in full bright colors. They were so original and creative. They did it without computers and I often scratch my head, wondering how the heck they could do it.

Lichtenstein's Girl with Hair Ribbon c.1965

Andy Warhol's Marilyn Monroe Prints c.1962

Now you can see why I like that time period and its styles. It was very unique in its way and people expressed themselves through fashion and art. Too bad it's not like that now because people take art and fashion for granted. They don't pay attention to the beauty of fashion and art which I do. I stop, look, and keep notes on what I see and use it to inspire my work. It's just how I am and I thank history for teaching and inspiring me.

My New Life as a Paranormal Investigator

I'm bored at home while spending the day sick so I thought I could grab a laptop and write a new blog. I thought about sharing with y'all about my experiences joining a new group called Texas Intuitive Paranormal Research. It's a paranormal group based here in Amarillo and it specializes in investigating the unknown such as ghosts, cryptozoology, and UFOs. Right now, there is 8 people in this group including me and my dear friend, Ricky Harris, who are the only deaf investigators. We decided to join a paranormal group because we had always desired to investigate the paranormal and see what is out there. I had paranormal experiences growing up and still to this day, people still think I am crazy when I talk about it. Joining TIPR has been the best thing ever to happen to me so far because I feel like I belong and there are other members who don't think I am crazy, lol.

I remember seeing a man in my room at an early age and thought it was a dream or something. I would wake up and see something moving in the dark or feel someone touching me. I never really understood what it was until one night when I was about 14-15 years old, I woke up to see this black solid man standing next to me and he leaned over to me. I stared at him for like 10 seconds and started to scream but nothing came out of my mouth. I was so terrified that it paralyzed me for a moment before I ducked my head under my "security" covers. I was so scared and it took me about 15 minutes before I took a peek and he was gone. I was shocked and couldn't believe what I had just saw. Then I started to see the same black shaped man in my room standing next to my sister ,who shared the same bedroom with me at that time, or he would stand in the doorway next to my bed. I believed that the house was haunted because I would see him and get touched by him. I also think he wanted to hurt me because one afternoon when I was doing my homework, I felt this stabbing/poking in my side that was painful that I thought my sister was poking me with her finger but I turned around to see no one behind me. After moving to a new house, I continued to have experiences that I didn't know why they were happening to me. I wonder if I was sensitive to seeing spirits when others couldn't? I don't know. Four years ago when I worked at Texas Lions Camp in Kerrville, TX for the summer, I had experiences in my cabin that was supposedly haunted and I didn't know it at that time. My alarm clock would go off by itself at 3 or 4 in the morning and I always felt like someone was watching me at night. One night, my co-worker and I were chatting and hanging out in our cabin while the whole camp was empty on a Saturday night, when I saw something move in the corner of my eyes, it looked like a shadow person walking towards to a room in the hall across from us and I turned to look at it then my co-worker said she saw it too. We thought someone had just got here so I went into the hall expecting to see somebody there but when I went into the room, there was nobody there. So if you asked me or my co-worker, we would say it was a ghost that we both saw at the same time. I was told a few months later by a friend ,who worked at the camp before I did, that my cabin and a couple others were haunted. I'm still amazed about this.

I still have experiences every now and then. I really enjoy investigating and can't wait to see what I find out there. I do believe that spirits try to communicate with me visually and emotionally because they know I can't hear them. I often joke that it would be neat if they knew how to sign so they could communicate with me. For those who think my life as a paranormal investigator is scary, it's not. Sure I get creepy feelings but not enough to scare the living crap out of me. It's funny because I'm terrified of spiders, heights, and close spaces and yet, ghosts don't scare me. I know they can't hurt me but yes, I am concerned about running into demons and poltergeists on investigations. That's why I trust God to protect me from those things. On investigations, we pray before and after. Also if you are wondering how I can communicate with ghosts when I can't hear, well I've found that if I use a flashlight and a notepad, it's helpful. I use one of those flashlights that have no buttons but it's turned on and off by unscrewing the top a little if you know what I'm talking about. If I want to ask questions, I tell the ghost to turn it on for yes and off for no. I write down questions on a notepad and see which questions are answered with yes or no. I don't know if a ghost can read my writing, mind, or signs. All I know that they can communicate with us through anything electrical things like flashlights because they use those energies to manifest themselves or able to talk to us. It's pretty neat and makes me want to know more about them and why they are still stuck here on Earth.


If you ever have something going on in your home that you feel unsure whether it is safe or not, please contact TIPR and we will come and check it out for you to make sure you feel safe in your own home. TIPR's website is currently being worked on so you can go to their Facebook page and check it out.

Happy Halloween and be safe!!! :)

Here is a homage to one of my fave movies when I was little.

10 Years Later

It's a couple of hours after midnight and I can't sleep. It's because I realize that it's September 11th, 10 years after what was the worst attack on America in history and I witnessed it on a tv screen like everyone else did. It's funny how one day out of your entire life can be etched into your memory for the rest of your life and I can't even remember many other days in my life except for a few and that day was one of them. It still seems as if it was yesterday....every detail of what I saw and how I felt. I know that I wasn't there physically in New York City or DC to see the attacks but to see it on tv was horrific and I didn't understand why it happened.

I was 16 years old and had just started my junior year about 3 weeks before. I remember getting to school early on that Tuesday morning and it seemed like a normal day like any other day. Did my normal things, hanging out with my friends in the hallway before class started and walking to the building where my first period class was in. It was Physics and my teacher was Mrs. Steinkirchner who I called Mrs. S for short. I remember walking into the class room and sitting down as Mrs. S turned on the tv. I wondered why she was doing that and I saw the gritty image of two buildings on fire. The tv was old and didn't have good picture but it still was obvious what was being shown. My interpreter, Ann, was confused as well and asked what was going on. That's when Mrs. S told us that the World Trade Center in NYC had been hit by a plane. I was like Huh? What? and thinking Why are we watching this? I had never heard of WTC in my entire life til I saw those burning towers on the tv screen. At first, I thought it was just one plane that sort of flew through both buildings and that it might have been a pure accident. I didn't realize that a second plane had hit too. So we watched for a little while til they announced that another plane had just hit the Pentagon and I remember the shock and fear when I realized that it wasn't an accident and that we were under attack. Fear started building up inside me and I was afraid that there were more planes headed for other buildings or something. Ann and I got very afraid that there would be a plane heading for Pantex, a nuclear facility about 20 miles away from Amarillo, to bomb it and we would be doomed. We decided that we wanted to go to another room to watch tv because it had better audio and picture. We were sitting and staring at the screen when I saw the south tower collapse as if it was going down in slow motion on live tv. My jaw dropped and it took me a moment before I turned to Ann and said, "There had to be a lot of people in that building!" I hoped that they were ok but I knew that they didn't make it. I almost cried but didn't know what to think or say. All I could think of was my family and hoped that they were ok and I wanted to go home badly. Parents were coming to school to pick their kids up. My mom was at another school where she worked as an interpreter and couldn't get off to come get me and my sister. I ended up being stuck at school all day long and it seemed endless for me.  I remember when I was in my history class which was before lunchtime, they reported that another plane had crashed in Pennsylvania. I felt sick to my stomach and hoped that there were no more planes in the air and that not any more people were dying. By the time I was in my English class, they said that all planes were grounded down and I was relieved knowing that none of those planes were in the air. Then the principal announced on the PA that there would be no practices or any after school activities and for us to just go home. By the end of the day, I walked outside to the parking lot where my mom was parked while waiting for me. I got in the car and she grabbed my hand and said, "I am glad that you are with me. I was worried about you and your sister all day long. Wanted to just leave work and get you girls home but I couldn't get off." Looked like she was about to cry. I was actually happy to be with her after a long and scary day. We drove to Canyon where I lived at that time and I recall that when we came into town, we saw long lines at every gas station and I asked my mom why there were long lines. She said that people were probably scared that something would happen and that they needed more gas in case gas would be shut off. She dropped me off at home and told me that she was going to get gas. It took her about 45 minutes to a hour to just get gas. That's how scared everyone was. I watched the news and was horrified to see what really happened. I was shocked and didn't understand why people would do such things as using innocent passengers as human bombs to kill many others. I watched the news for hours and when I needed a break, I changed the channels and I swear that almost every channel was off the air with messages saying that they had to shut down and let their staff go home to their families. I remember that the only channels still on were the cartoon/kids ones which made sense to me. It was to keep kids occupied and unaware of what was going on. My stepdad, who was dating my mom at that time, called to check on us and told my mom that he listened to the radio while truck driving all day long without seeing what had really happened. Didn't see anything til he got home and turned the tv on. He was shocked too. I couldn't sleep well that night and the next day, it was like a blur to me. I was confused and in denial that such tragedy had occurred. I didn't really cry til a few days later when it came across my mind that so many people had died and that I would never understand why they had to die horrible deaths.

Over the past 10 years, I had moved on but never forgot what I witnessed on that tv screen. Even though I live over 1,000 miles away from NYC, it still affects me because it was not only an attack on New Yorkers and DC residents, it was also an attack on my own country which I love very much and am very proud to having been born and grew up in. This 10th anniversary is different for me from any other anniversaries where I would pause for one day to remember and move on with my life like everyone else. I'll be going to NYC in two months to spend a week there and I plan on going to Ground Zero to pay my respects. Honestly, I don't know how I'll feel or what I'll think but I know it would be a different emotion/feeling from what I've been feeling all those years. At the same time, I'm looking forwards to seeing the new WTC tower that is currently being built. I've been following up on the progress while it's being built and so far, over 80 floors have been built making it the now tallest building in Manhattan. That'd be a great sight to see and to me, it's like showing those terrorists that we are still strong and standing up against them by not letting them defeat us. If you want to see the progress on the tower, there are two links that you can go to: http://www.lowermanhattan.info/construction/project_updates/freedom_tower_26204.aspx#summary and
http://www.panynj.gov/wtcprogress/index.html

As you can see, this is my story of what I experienced that day. We all have different stories from our perspectives but we will never forget. My heart still goes out to the innocent victims and survivors along with their families and also the true heroes who risked or lost their lives to just save others. I ask you to pause and remember 9/11 and continue to pray for those who are still affected by the attacks a decade later. May God bless America.

Screw you, Congress.

You all probably know what is going on in Washington DC where our congress is fighting over a solution to our country's debt situation and how social security benefits is on the chopping block. Republicans want to cut the benefits and Democrats refuse to because they know that there are millions of people who are struggling financially and can't even afford to pay for our own health insurance.Some of you might think I am lazy but I'm not. I receive disability benefits because I am still in school and my job doesn't pay very much, just enough to pay my bills and buy food. The benefits are being threatened to be halted on August 3rd if they don't come up with a deal by then. When I heard about all of this from a friend, the first thing on my mind was, "how the hell am I going to pay for my bills at my new house if my benefits are going to be halted?" It scares me because I was set on keeping my benefits til I finished school and got a good paying job and it looks like now I'm getting screwed over by the congress. I even considered on quitting school to just get another job to help pay for whatever needs to be paid for but John talked me out of it. He said it was very important to me that I stay in school and that he would help me even if it meant him getting a 2nd job. You know what is funny? I used to have faith in this country and that it would get thru a recession like it did with the great depression but that faith is starting to fade away. All I have left is my hope and faith in God and that He'll be there for me whenever something like this happens. Screw you Congress. I don't need you to ruin my life by telling me that you are taking my benefits. Go ahead, take it away. I hate you, Republicans, more than Democrats because all you care about is your money and refuse to have millionaires taxed while most of us people in general have to pay high taxes. Millionaires being taxed would help us out big time and by the way, stop spending money on damn oil and wars. Democrats, don't think that I'm going easy on you....you also have made mistakes of spending billions and billions of our money on stuff we don't even need and guess what? Both of your parties have bought us into this debt and it's your responsibility to get us out of this. Don't tell us how to spend our own money and stop playing the blaming game! Y'all are pointing fingers at each other....and you know that your other 4 fingers are pointing back to you! We elected you guys to do your jobs for us and guess what? You'll be voted out next year! Screw you Congress. I have God on my side and I ain't worried about it.




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Forgiving Can Be Hard Sometimes

As you know, I'm a sexual assault survivor and still check on my offender's status while he's serving time in prison every now and then. He was sent to prison for 12 years. Well, I was checking it tonight when I saw the parole date and my stomach dropped to the ground. He's supposed to be up for parole next year in August. I have mixed feelings and don't know what I would do if he does get out early. I forgave him but haven't forgotten what he has done to me and how it changed me forever. Because of him, I'm still afraid to go out at night alone and always make sure that my door is locked and my windows are still covered up so no one can peek into my home. I also learned to be a stronger person and defend myself if someone were to attack me. It's been 5 years since it happened and I'm better than I was back then but still feel some anger or sadness once in a while. Guess it's part of life and the process after a traumatic situation. A couple of weeks ago, I was at a baseball game when I saw someone who was a part of the sexual assault meaning that he was asleep in bed next to me when it happened. He was my offender's cousin and did some things that made me very angry at him for a long time. He lied to the cops and told them that it never happened when I know it did. He acted like I was a crazy loon and avoided me. When I saw him at the game for the first time in 5 years, I saw red. I mean, red, like I wanted to go after him and beat him up. He was with his wife and it made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to go up to her and tell her what kind of person her husband was and not the person who she thinks he is. He didn't see me at first and walked right by me. I sat there staring at him and wanted to do something to hurt him. I don't know why but I did. Then you know what I did? I prayed silently to God and asked him to give me the strength and patience to get through the game without killing him and He did help me. I started to feel calm after a while but still concerned about him sitting a few rows behind me. I think he saw me and left before I could see him. It's pretty sad that he's a coward and still won't face me 5 years later. It's kinda funny that I forgave my own rapist but haven't forgiven his cousin yet. It's hard for me to forgive him right now. He was a firefighter and I trusted him to protect me but he didn't do that. I hated Amarillo firefighters for a long time after that night and to this day, I still do because of him. I do hope that I'll find the strength in my heart to forgive him someday because I know God would want me to do so. It won't be easy carrying that anger and sadness in your heart for the rest of your life so it's best to let it go and move on. It'll take me a little more time before I can do that, hopefully not for a long time. Forgiving is harder than you think it is. Only God can help me change.

What Does My Future Hold?

I've been thinking about school and my future in general lately. I have one more semester left til I graduate this Fall with my associate's degree and I've been wondering if it's time for me to try and get a part time job as a graphic designer. I'm tired of working dead end jobs for the past few years now and it's gotten me nowhere really to be honest. I want to get started with my career and continue to work on my bachelor's degree. That's all I want to do for now. My current job is alright but I feel like I'm missing out on the fun in the graphic design world and want to get involved in something that has a meaning for me in my life. Well, all I can do is pray and hope that everything turns out well for me. I don't want to be stuck unhappy with my job and life in general for the rest of my life, you know? Things might not turn out the way I want them to but I do have faith that I'll graduate and find a job eventually. That's how life is. It works out on its own with God's help. :)



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