Forgiving Can Be Hard Sometimes

As you know, I'm a sexual assault survivor and still check on my offender's status while he's serving time in prison every now and then. He was sent to prison for 12 years. Well, I was checking it tonight when I saw the parole date and my stomach dropped to the ground. He's supposed to be up for parole next year in August. I have mixed feelings and don't know what I would do if he does get out early. I forgave him but haven't forgotten what he has done to me and how it changed me forever. Because of him, I'm still afraid to go out at night alone and always make sure that my door is locked and my windows are still covered up so no one can peek into my home. I also learned to be a stronger person and defend myself if someone were to attack me. It's been 5 years since it happened and I'm better than I was back then but still feel some anger or sadness once in a while. Guess it's part of life and the process after a traumatic situation. A couple of weeks ago, I was at a baseball game when I saw someone who was a part of the sexual assault meaning that he was asleep in bed next to me when it happened. He was my offender's cousin and did some things that made me very angry at him for a long time. He lied to the cops and told them that it never happened when I know it did. He acted like I was a crazy loon and avoided me. When I saw him at the game for the first time in 5 years, I saw red. I mean, red, like I wanted to go after him and beat him up. He was with his wife and it made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to go up to her and tell her what kind of person her husband was and not the person who she thinks he is. He didn't see me at first and walked right by me. I sat there staring at him and wanted to do something to hurt him. I don't know why but I did. Then you know what I did? I prayed silently to God and asked him to give me the strength and patience to get through the game without killing him and He did help me. I started to feel calm after a while but still concerned about him sitting a few rows behind me. I think he saw me and left before I could see him. It's pretty sad that he's a coward and still won't face me 5 years later. It's kinda funny that I forgave my own rapist but haven't forgiven his cousin yet. It's hard for me to forgive him right now. He was a firefighter and I trusted him to protect me but he didn't do that. I hated Amarillo firefighters for a long time after that night and to this day, I still do because of him. I do hope that I'll find the strength in my heart to forgive him someday because I know God would want me to do so. It won't be easy carrying that anger and sadness in your heart for the rest of your life so it's best to let it go and move on. It'll take me a little more time before I can do that, hopefully not for a long time. Forgiving is harder than you think it is. Only God can help me change.