Forgiving Can Be Hard Sometimes

As you know, I'm a sexual assault survivor and still check on my offender's status while he's serving time in prison every now and then. He was sent to prison for 12 years. Well, I was checking it tonight when I saw the parole date and my stomach dropped to the ground. He's supposed to be up for parole next year in August. I have mixed feelings and don't know what I would do if he does get out early. I forgave him but haven't forgotten what he has done to me and how it changed me forever. Because of him, I'm still afraid to go out at night alone and always make sure that my door is locked and my windows are still covered up so no one can peek into my home. I also learned to be a stronger person and defend myself if someone were to attack me. It's been 5 years since it happened and I'm better than I was back then but still feel some anger or sadness once in a while. Guess it's part of life and the process after a traumatic situation. A couple of weeks ago, I was at a baseball game when I saw someone who was a part of the sexual assault meaning that he was asleep in bed next to me when it happened. He was my offender's cousin and did some things that made me very angry at him for a long time. He lied to the cops and told them that it never happened when I know it did. He acted like I was a crazy loon and avoided me. When I saw him at the game for the first time in 5 years, I saw red. I mean, red, like I wanted to go after him and beat him up. He was with his wife and it made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to go up to her and tell her what kind of person her husband was and not the person who she thinks he is. He didn't see me at first and walked right by me. I sat there staring at him and wanted to do something to hurt him. I don't know why but I did. Then you know what I did? I prayed silently to God and asked him to give me the strength and patience to get through the game without killing him and He did help me. I started to feel calm after a while but still concerned about him sitting a few rows behind me. I think he saw me and left before I could see him. It's pretty sad that he's a coward and still won't face me 5 years later. It's kinda funny that I forgave my own rapist but haven't forgiven his cousin yet. It's hard for me to forgive him right now. He was a firefighter and I trusted him to protect me but he didn't do that. I hated Amarillo firefighters for a long time after that night and to this day, I still do because of him. I do hope that I'll find the strength in my heart to forgive him someday because I know God would want me to do so. It won't be easy carrying that anger and sadness in your heart for the rest of your life so it's best to let it go and move on. It'll take me a little more time before I can do that, hopefully not for a long time. Forgiving is harder than you think it is. Only God can help me change.

What Does My Future Hold?

I've been thinking about school and my future in general lately. I have one more semester left til I graduate this Fall with my associate's degree and I've been wondering if it's time for me to try and get a part time job as a graphic designer. I'm tired of working dead end jobs for the past few years now and it's gotten me nowhere really to be honest. I want to get started with my career and continue to work on my bachelor's degree. That's all I want to do for now. My current job is alright but I feel like I'm missing out on the fun in the graphic design world and want to get involved in something that has a meaning for me in my life. Well, all I can do is pray and hope that everything turns out well for me. I don't want to be stuck unhappy with my job and life in general for the rest of my life, you know? Things might not turn out the way I want them to but I do have faith that I'll graduate and find a job eventually. That's how life is. It works out on its own with God's help. :)



MySpace-Countdowns

NYC plans

Just wanted to give you an update on my planning for my NYC trip. So far, I have bought plane tickets for me and John to fly to Newark, NJ from Dallas. I decided to do that flight route because it was cheaper and it cost too much to fly from Amarillo to Newark. Newark is only 15 miles away from the city so we will ride to our hotel from the airport. We did reserve a hotel which is located very close to Times Square and I'm super excited about it! It'll be so neat to walk around and see stuff in that city. A couple of weeks ago, John bought tickets for us to go see a broadway and a Rockette show. He let me pick which show I want to see and I picked Wicked! I'm a Wizard of Oz geek, lol. The cool thing about broadways in NYC is that I can get an interpreter or an caption device to tell me what is being said during the show. Gotta love NYC for caring about deaf people!! That's all we have paid for so far. 
We still have a few things to do such as buying extra plane tickets to fly to Dallas from Amarillo so we can stay overnight at a hotel and then leave in the morning for the airport and buying passes to help save some money on places we will go see. I'm planning to reserve tickets for us to be able to get inside the Statue of Liberty and visit Ellis Island. It costs about $16 per person which isn't too bad like I thought it would be and hopefully we will be able to get inside. They let a certain number of people so I'll try my best to get reservations. We'll save extra for food, souvenirs, etc. That's all I can think of for now. Man, I'm so excited that I can hardly believe that the trip is in a few months! :) 

MySpace-Countdowns

Fighting the Boredom of Summer

It's been a few weeks since I've been out of school and I'm already bored. Seriously, I am. It's summer time and I should be enjoying it but to tell the truth, I'm not. All I do is work, watch tv, or sleep. I do have two trips coming up this month so that should help fight the boredom, lol. Anyways, I've been trying to come up with stuff to do to keep myself from dying of boredom and came up with a few:

1. I decided that I'm going to try and get back into painting again. Haven't done that in a couple of years since the last time I took a painting class at school.

2. Also thought of making an attempt at learning how to crochet. I love arts and crafts. It keeps me thinking and enjoying my quiet time.

3. Take walks at the park on nice days without the winds blowing so hard.

4. Come up with more topics to write my blogs. I enjoy typing my thoughts out.

5. Try rock climbing out. Saw a friend's status on Facebook about some place in town that has indoors rock climbing so I thought it was a good idea to try it out. I've always wanted to do that but never could find a good time to do so.

Well, that's all I could think of what to do this summer so I won't be SO BORED. If you have any suggestions of what I should try, feel free to comment on here or email me. Hope y'all won't be bored like me!!! :)

Are Some Friends Worthy to Keep?

Just thought I could write a blog about some experiences I've had with people who I consider my good friends and others who I thought were my friends but they aren't. Growing up, I had some friends who I had known since I was in preschool and we were pretty close like brothers and sisters. We would fight, laugh, and cry together. Over the years, I started to see their true colors and we all ended up going different ways in our lives, never being the best friends we were in elementary school again. It was sad but at the same time, I'm glad that I learned the hard way to see who my true friends were because I've been lied to, backstabbed, and made fun of. There's one friend who I considered one of my greatest best friend in the world and we were like sisters. I would tell her everything and trusted her. We were doing good til we got to middle school and it all changed. She started to change and tried hard to be popular and fit in. I was one of those school geeks who studied all the time and did athletics to keep myself busy. I was made fun of by her and she turned my friends against me. She lied a lot and betrayed me. It hurt a lot, I mean A LOT. We were friends on and off for a long time and by the time we were in high school, it got a lot worst. She would be my friend one day and the next day, she would shun me for no reason. She would tell me that I was ugly and would never get a boyfriend so I needed to change so I could attract boys. My gosh, it stung me....my own best friend telling me I was ugly. When I look back, I think, "what was I thinking? She wasn't a true friend!" After a few years, we reconciled but the old wounds were still there emotionally and mentally inside me. She never really apologized for how she treated me and all those things she said to hurt my feelings. She acts as if nothing happened and that I was the one who hurt her which I didn't understand why she would think that when she was the one who did the damage. Well it's the past and I learned to let go but sometimes it comes back to me whenever she talks about me not being a good friend. I had been there for her as a friend and it felt like she bit me in the butt and took me for granted. Whatever. The other day, she came over to visit me and we were talking about my wedding and where I was thinking about having it at. She asked me if I was having it at my church and I said no. She was like, "Good. I don't like the church and if your wedding was there, I won't show up." When she said that, it was like a knife going through my heart and my perception of her as a friend changed. Her status from best friend downgraded to a.....stranger. That's the best word I can describe her because that's not the friend I once knew and trusted. I don't hate her....I still care about her as a friend but I can't take any more of how she treats me and says things that hurt me. A true friend would never say that she won't show up for your wedding just because she hated your church. I've been asking myself if she is this worthy to keep as a friend? Honestly, I don't know anymore. I also wonder what would God say about this situation? I learned in church today that love is patient and kind and that if people judge or say anything to hurt you, you got to be patient, accept it, and forgive them. I forgive her but still ask myself if she is really worthy to keep as a friend for life? I don't know the answer to the question. If anyone reads this blog, you can put comments on here or give me advices on what to do in this kind of situation. I'm happy to listen and take any kind of advice. It's not easy finding out who your friends really are.  :(

My Dream Trip

It's May and I'm supposed to go on my dream trip to New York City in 7 months. Sure, I'm excited but at the same time, I'm afraid that something would come up and put an end to that dream trip of mine. Lately, I've been struggling financially and it has taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally. As some of you might know, I had been saving up for the trip and so far, I have over $1,000 dollars. I need another $1,500 before I can actually have enough to pay for the plane ticket, hotel room, and other stuff to do while I'm up there. My hours at work were cut in half pretty much and it is starting to worry me that I would not be able to go because my paychecks don't really help. I need them to pay for my bills, food, and gas like everyone else does. At some times, I feel like crying, you know? No one understands how bad I want to go. I've been wanting to go since I was a kid. It's like I've been working so hard to make a dream come true only to come to a point where I see it fading now due to financial problems. Heck, I asked around to see if there was anything I could to earn some money and no one seems to care. Someone told me, "ohh you're gonna be a busy girl, huh?" and it made me feel like I was being made fun of or something. Only if those people knew how much I wanted to go. I have a big framed picture of New York City's skyline hanging on the wall at home and I always look at it, picturing myself standing along the river looking in awe at such an amazing sight of the city and its lights. Whenever I have a bad day, I'll look up at it and tell myself that I can always go there and have a good time there rather than deal with a bad day. You know, I had a list of why I want to go there. I had planned to go there during Thanksgiving week this year because I wanted to see New York in the fall, my favorite season, and of course, the famous Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. Here's the list:

1. Ride on the subways (never been on one before so it would be an exciting experience for me)

2. Go see the Statue of Liberty and get inside. I would love to come back and tell everyone that I was inside Lady Liberty's head, lol.

3. Head over to Ellis Island to visit the place where my ancestors from my dad's side came through when they immigrated from Italy. My sister went there 2 years ago and said there was a list of people who came through there on a plaque so I want to see my own ancestors' names on the list.

4. Go to the Empire State Building and look at the great view of the entire city from such a high level. Yes, I'm terrified of heights so I won't actually go over the edge, lol but I want to see that view. I remember one scene from Sleepless in Seattle where Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan meet for the first time at the top of Empire State Building and I thought it was a sweet thing to do. That's what made me want to see the building and share it with John. :)

5. Try New York City's food, of course, who doesn't?? I would love to go to Little Italy and have me some New York style pizza! Also would love to grab a hot dog from one of those stands they have in the streets of New York.

6. This might be a sad thing to do but I want to go to Ground Zero and pay my respects. It'll be 10 years after  9/11 that I'll be up there and I don't know what to expect once I'm in the WTC area. I also thought to myself, "why don't I go find a fire station somewhere in the city and thank those firefighters who survived the attacks for risking their lives to save others?" I thought I could do that...I mean, I was touched by what they did on 9/11 and wanted to thank them for a long time.

7. Times Square. How can any other place beat that? I would LOVE to see all those lights and billboards they have on the buildings. I've seen on tv where they have closed captions on the big tv screens. I want to stand in Times Square watching the news in cc and be in awe. My mom said that you can see the New Year's Ball too, pretty cool, huh?

8. Go see a broadway play and the best part of it, you can ask for an interpreter! How awesome is that? I would get to enjoy my first broadway in New York with the help of an interpreter!

9. Go over to Hoboken, NJ which is across the Hudson River from New York City to pay a visit to Carlo's Bakery which some of you might be familiar with from the show, "Cake Boss". I love that show and drool over the desserts the bakery makes. I would love to try those delicious looking desserts!

10. Take a long walk around Central Park. I know it'll beat John Stiff Park and Media Park here in Amarillo. I hear they have a zoo in there so it would be neat to see a zoo in the middle of a huge park!

11. Go on a little cruise around the city and see the skyline at night. Would be a better view for me than my own framed picture of the New York skyline, lol.

12. Macy's Thanksgiving parade. Now that's something I've always wanted to see since I was a kid. I remember getting up early every year on Thanksgiving morning to watch the parade. I would like to stand in Times Square and see the parade with giant balloons and performers up front.

13. If I ever have time while my week up there, I would like to walk by Yankee Stadium wearing my Texas Rangers gear just to diss the Yankee fans. Heck, I think the whole city would want to kill me, lol.

14. Go to Rockefeller Center to visit the Top of the Rock which is higher than Empire State Building itself (May God help me face my fear of heights up there) and see the famous ice skating rink. I don't think I'll ice skate though because I'm horrible!! Lol.

15. Take a tour in the NBC studios. Would like to see how tv shows and other things are done at NBC.

16. Go shopping at Macy's. Never been in that store before so it should be interesting.

17. There are tons of other things I would like to do so the list would be endless. So I will end this list with one more reason why I want to go to New York City. I had some ancestors from my mom's side of family that helped found New York City back in the 1500s. So part of me is from there in a way and it would be like returning to my roots in one of the places that created America.

Now that's a lot of amazing things you've heard about why I want to go to New York City so bad. This is going to be a hard road for me to earn some money to pay my trip off. If anyone is reading this, I want to tell you that I'll do anything (except bad things that is) to earn and save some money like babysitting, walking dogs, or whatever. If you ever need help and are willing to pay for it, I can work and help you. You can contact me through Facebook and let me know. I know I sound desperate but I thought I could try and give it a shot by writing this blog and getting it out to people. Well, thanks for listening to me and hope you enjoyed reading this.

Good Tips on How to Save Money on Gas!

I got this email from my grandma and thought it had real good tips on how to save money on gas. We all know how painful it is for us to watch the gas prices constantly climbing so I thought I'd put this on my blog and share with other people.

*With gas expected to reach $5 per gallon by summer, these tips that I received from a friend in California might come in handy.*



*TIPS  ON PUMPING GAS*



I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline....but here in California we are paying up to $3.75 to $4.10 per gallon. *(Last night on the News local Portland TV stations said we have hit $4 to $4.25 already!)*My line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon:

Here at the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose, CA we deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline...One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and premium grades. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 gallons.

*Tip #1:*Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground.

-The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer, gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon.

-In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important role.

-A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.

*Tip #2:*When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode.

-If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high.

-You should be pumping on low mode, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping.

-All hoses at the pump have a vapor return.

-If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.

*Tip #3:*One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is *HALF FULL*. The reason for this is the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space.

-Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine.

-Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves
as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation.

-Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount.

*Tip#4:*Another* IMPORTANT* reminder, if there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT STOP to fill up; most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.

To make an impact, we need to reach literally millions of gas buyers. It is really simple to do.

I'm sending this note to about thirty people. If each of you send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 =3D 300)...and those 300 send it to at  least ten more(300 x 10 =3D 3,000) and so on, by the time the message  reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached  over THREE MILLION consumers!!!!!!! If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted!

If it goes one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION
PEOPLE!!!