Thursday, November 18, 2010

My Personal Hell

I went to an event tonight to see Josh Hamilton, one of my favorite baseball players who plays for Texas Rangers, speak and share his personal experiences with what he described his "hell" from when he was involved in drugs and some other bad things. He also talked about how he turned to God for help and how it changed his life for the better. His wife also was there to share her personal experiences of helping Josh with his struggles and everything else. It was a great thing to hear and it made me think how great God is and always been to me.

It also made me look back to what I consider the worst time of my life and it was my "hell". On March 5, 2006 I was raped by a guy who was a cousin of another guy who I was seeing at that time. It changed my life and I was scarred forever. I went through what you would call the steps of a grieving process...

1. Denial and Isolation.

I was in denial that it ever happened. I didn't cry at the hospital when the cops interviewed me and the nurse performing my rape kit. Yes, I did report because it was the right thing to do but I didn't fully realize how bad it was til I was by myself and broke into tears. I isolated myself for a while after that.

2. Anger.

I got very angry at myself for letting this happen to me, my rapist for what he did, and the world for not helping me. I remember not being mad at God but I did want to know why he let this happen. I didn't understand.

3. Bargaining.

I tried to bargain with God to make the pain and sadness go away by doing something for him. I wanted my life back but it needed to be fixed first.

4. Depression.

I went into a deep depression where I relied on alcohol to help ease the pain and I even considered killing myself.

5. Acceptance.

I went to counseling for a year and eventually accepted that it did happen to me and it wasn't my fault.

That was the procession I went through and the whole time God was with me and he did make me realize that he is real and does love me. I'll admit that I'm not a church person and I don't know many verses from the bible but I can tell you that I love God and talk to him like he's my friend, dad, and therapist whenever I feel like I want to share my thoughts with him. It does help me feel better talking to him. He listens and cares about you.

While it was great to see Josh, it helped me realize that he's a human like us and isn't perfect either. One part of the evening that I liked the most was when he prayed for us. That was the most touching moment and I thought to myself, "wow, one of my favorite baseball player prayed for us. He does care about us and wants us to be close with God."

I want to close with a message....God loves us all no matter what and don't be afraid to talk to him. He's a great listener and always is there even if you think he's not when he really is. He helped me get through my personal hell. That's why I love and believe in him and always will.

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1 comment:

  1. Wow Amanda what an awesome testimony. Sometimes God turns our mess into a message and that is what He wants to do with you! I admire your faith in trying to get through these probably still sometimes hard times. I know you said you are not a church person but surrounding yourself with people who love and depend on God so deeply is such a daily blessing. You should thinka about finding a church. Plus you can have such intimate moments like the one you had in the midst of other believers on a regular basis! Thanks for sharing and many many blessings!

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